


Solid Snake and the Terrible, No-Good Roleplay Scenario

by emziezma



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Fluff and Humor, M/M, Roleplay, Vampires, not actually just pretend, snake and otacon are dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22840576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emziezma/pseuds/emziezma
Summary: Otacon wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Snake hesitantly agrees, but the whole situation eventually devolves into an argument.
Relationships: Otacon/Solid Snake
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36





	Solid Snake and the Terrible, No-Good Roleplay Scenario

**Author's Note:**

> I think about Otacon and immediately get brain rot and so this was the result of my latest Thought.

“You’ve really never wanted to spice things up in the bedroom?” Otacon’s voice was whiny, much more so than normal. Snake tried to focus on his card game on the table, but after an afternoon of listening to Otacon complain, it was getting difficult.  


“Not particularly, no.” Snake moved a few cards. “I’m fine with how we do things now. We don’t have to do anything weird.” Otacon sat up on the couch, which was a whole six feet away from the kitchen table his boyfriend was sitting at. It was times like these when Snake wished they had enough Philanthropy money to rent a house rather than the dingy apartments they were forced to stay in. At least then he would have another floor, or even room, to escape to.  


“I’ll have you know, roleplay is a completely normal aspect of healthy sexual relationships,” Otacon retorted, as though it was a trivial science fact and not his attempt at advancing their sex life.  


Snake turned around to face him. “Yeah, college professor and maid roleplay is normal. Not vampires.” Vampires. This was what Otacon was getting so worked up about. Snake should have known that any roleplay his partner were to suggest would be some anime or supernatural thing, but he really wished it had just been college professors or something.  


“C’mon, you never read Dracula and thought ‘this is kinda hot…” Otacon’s voice trailed off, not in a sheepish way, which the other would have preferred, but in an attempt at being convincing.  


“Well, I’ve never read Dracula. But also, absolutely not.” Snake returned to his game. “Anyway, isn’t it a horror?”  


“Technically. But I would classify some parts as homoerotic thriller.”  


Snake sighed, he decided not to acknowledge that. “How badly do you want me to do this?”  


“So bad, I really think you would have fun with it too.”  


“Fine. Whatever. Just let me know when you wanna do it, I’ll do it.”  


Otacon jumped up behind his partner and cupped his cheeks. “Thank you. I really do think you’ll enjoy it.” He made a couple moves in Snake’s card game then rushed into the bedroom, probably to start planning whatever this was going to be.  


A few days later, Snake found himself sitting on a kitchen chair that had been dragged into the bedroom. He was wearing the only white button-up he owned and a pair of Otacon’s pants, which were awkwardly tight. The bedroom was the cleanest he’s ever seen it. Otacon was noticeably excited since their conversation and had clearly put a lot of effort into making the night memorable, Snake had to admit it was cute. He undid another button on the shirt, letting it fall further down his shoulders while he waited for Otacon’s entrance, fiddling with the button when he finally heard footsteps.  


The man in question opened the door to reveal the most elaborate, gaudy vampire costume Snake had ever seen. He prayed that this was from some phase Otacon had in high school and that he didn’t spend their very limited Philanthropy money on it.  


As though his partner read his mind, those prayers were answered as Otacon said absentmindedly, “I dabbled in cosplay in high school. Pretty lucky I kept this, huh?”  


“uhh, yeah.” Snake held back a cringe when he noticed his boyfriend’s hair slicked back. He kept his glasses on though, he was practically blind without them and much too clumsy for contacts. “You aren’t wearing any teeth,” Snake thought out loud.  


“Yeah, I couldn’t get them in right,” Otacon said, unimpressed with himself. “It’s fine, we’ll make it work. Anyway...” His demeanour changed and he approached Snake slowly, placing a hand on his bare shoulder once he had reached him. “I thought hunters were supposed to be good at navigating the land. You must be pretty lousy to have gotten lost in my forest.”  


Ah, so he was a hunter. Snake figured that made enough sense as he quickly thought up a response. “I, uh, I travelled here from the south. The forests aren’t as dense where I’m from, I guess I’m not used to it yet…” his voice trailed as Otacon’s hand glided up his neck and onto his face where his thumb landed on Snake’s lips. He let out a shaky sigh. It was the most awkward, mismatched thing to hear Otacon’s soft voice come out of a sadistic smile and Snake hated to admit he loved it. If only he would act more dominant in situations where he wasn’t pretending to be a vampire.  


“It’s lucky you came upon my, uh…” Otacon looked around the cheap bedroom, trying to think of what he was going to call this place that wouldn’t make Snake laugh. “... castle, isn’t it?” he finally decided on. Snake nodded. “And you must be grateful I even let you in.” He squeezed Snake’s cheeks in order to elicit a response.  


“Yes, Otacon-“  


“You can’t call me Otacon.” He pulled his hand from Snake’s face and dropped it on his hip.  


“What should I call you then?”  


“Count? Like Count Dracula.”  


“Count…?” Snake leaned forward onto his legs. Count was a title, right? He had to call Otacon ‘Count’ something and he was certainly no Dracula.  


“Huh, Emmerich I guess.”  


“Count Emmerich,” Snake practiced.  


“It’s kinda got a ring to it, haha!” It didn’t. “Anyway, uh…” Otacon leaned forward and rested his hand on his partner’s cheek once again. He mumbled something before continuing his lines. “... gratefulievenletyouin. Ok, that’s where we were.”  


“Yeah, uh, thank you, Count Emmerich.” Snake hoped that wouldn’t follow them into bed. “I hope there’s some way I can repay you, your generosity.” He felt like he was reading the lines to a bad porno.  


Otacon feigned a pensive look. “I think I know of a way.” He straightened up and looked his partner up and down. “Stand up.” Snake obeyed. “A hunter, huh. You must be strong then, healthy too.”  


Snake attempted to look uncomfortable as his boyfriend approached him, groping his arms and chest. But it was impossible to see the scrawny, soft-spoken man as a threat, especially when Snake himself had fighting experience to spare and could flatten the other man if he wanted to, easily.  


Otacon moved in closer and put his mouth up to Snake’s ear. “I’ll make a fine meal out of you,” he whispered. He then started kissing and sucking down the other’s neck.  


Snake put his hand to his mouth to stifle his laughter. It didn’t set in until now how ridiculous this whole thing was. “What!?” He tried his hardest to sound shocked and afraid.  


“Don’t worry, I won’t kill you,” Otacon said between nips at Snake’s throat. “You might be incapacitated for a few days but I’m sure you’ll make a full recovery.”  


Rather than continue his fake protest, Snake decided to enjoy himself. The feeling of Otacon’s hands roaming his body, and his mouth gliding down his neck was a familiar arousal that he never got tired of. It was always nice to be able to let go and enjoy each other’s bodies. That was until the biting started. Deep, amateurish biting starting at his collarbone and gradually moving up near an artery. “Ugh, it hurts,” Snake said, forced out of his daze. Otacon simply shushed him, clearly not following. “You’re biting really hard.” He tried to make his discomfort more obvious compared to his previous whine.  


“Don’t worry it’ll be over soon,” Otacon cooed, staying in character and continuing the incessant gnawing at his partner's neck.  


Snake couldn’t put up with it anymore and pushed Otacon off of him. “Jesus, Otacon why the hell are you biting so hard?”  


“Well I’m a vampire I gotta bite hard to get the blood out,” Otacon said, as though it were an obvious fact of life.  


Once again, Snake was forced to hold back laughter. “You’re not actually getting blood out of me though.”  


“Yeah, but it’s got to be realistic.”  


“A vampire would absolutely not need to bite that hard to get blood out of someone.”  


“Oh, Snake, clearly you don’t get it.” Otacon tried to continue despite the interruption, only to be pushed away again.  


“Absolutely not.” Usually, Snake would have taken what Otacon had to say at face value when it came to supernatural stuff like this. But he knew enough about biology and he knew a lot about how to get blood out of a body and he would be damned if he was going to put up with this all night. “There is absolutely no reason a vampire would have to bite that hard.”  


“Yes, they would, to get the blood out.”  


“They have sharp teeth, they don’t need to bite that hard.”  


“Yeah, so does a dog and a dog has to bite pretty hard to cause bleeding.”  


“Dogs weren’t evolved to get blood out of bodies! They evolved to rip meat with their teeth!” Snake was practically yelling at this point.  


“Snake, you’ve never even watched a vampire movie! And if you did it was probably 20 years ago, at least.” Now they were both yelling.  


“You’re right! But that doesn’t matter! I know that, logically, a vampire should not have to bite that hard to get blood out!”  


Their yelling brought them into the shower to get whatever Otacon had slicked into his hair out. And then back to the bedroom to put on something casual, and not Otacon’s terrible, terrible vampire costume. They had silently (well as silent as arguing about vampire lore could be) decided to walk to a late-night convenience store. Surely they would have some vampire movies to rent, right? Even on their walk, they made quiet, snippy comments to each other.  


“Oh, so you’re a biologist now, huh, Snake?”  


“This isn’t biology, it’s common sense.”  


“Either way it doesn’t matter it’s fictional.”  


“Then it doesn’t matter! You can make up whatever you want and you don’t have to bite that hard!”  


They finally made it to the convenience store and walked up to the counter with an armful of vampire movies and snacks to spare.  


“Havin’ a vampire movie night, huh?” The cashier said with a laugh, in an attempt to dampen the obvious tension between her customers.  


“Yeah, we're having a, uh, a date night in.” Snake said, trying his hardest to be polite through his annoyance as he was paying. He was definitely not telling this stranger the real reason why they were renting so many movies.  


“Aww, sounds like fun! Have a great night!” The couple was handed their receipt.  


“Thanks, uh, you too!” Otacon took his turn to reply. They left the store and hurried back to their apartment to do their ‘research’.  


The rest of their night went much differently than they expected it would 2 hours ago. Rather than taking turns having their way with each other, they took turns switching out the VHS and refilling each other’s drinks. And maybe they were better off, cuddled up together, making the occasional quip at the other or about the current movie, and making silent promises to themselves not to try this roleplay stuff anymore, even if those promises would not be kept for long.

**Author's Note:**

> Snake and Otacon are dumb as shit and that is genuinely all I have to say for myself. :)


End file.
